Some of the dear ladies at the Heart of the Matter conference today asked me to share some notes relating to this talk. If you haven’t bought your ticket for the HOTM conference yet, it is not too late! All the sessions are being recorded and you will have mp3 access to them after the fact. I’ll be speaking again tomorrow on a brand new topic, Mothering with a Multi-generational Vision, at noon EST.
We have posted several freebies on My Audio School this week for the HOTM conference. You’ll find these links here: with the password HOTM. Enjoy!
Here are some notes from the material I shared today:
Cultivating Loyalty Between Siblings:
Cultivating Sibling Loyalty is like growing a beautiful garden. The way our children relate within our nuclear family will influence their marriages and all future relationships. As Christian families, we must seek to live in such a way that our family relationships give glory to God and are a testimony to the world.
To grow this garden we need to keep three overarching themes in mind:
1) Don’t poison the soil
2) Pull weeds that spring up
3) Plant good seed.
Our marriage is the climate in which our children grow. Are the relational patterns in our home bright and sunny or stormy?
Resources we have used with our young children:
Our 24 Family Ways by Clarkson
The 21 Rules of this House by Harris
Ways We Poison the Soil
*When we, as parents, live according to our old, unregenerate ways, instead of according to the fruits of the spirit.
Instead, we must:
*Teach and model biblical patterns of relating
*Lead them to true repentance when they are in sin
*Model repentance when you are in sin
*Favoritism Poisons the Soil
*We need to treat our children fairly, but recognize that different children may have different rules or privileges because of age, gender, or character issues within the child.
*We poison the soil when we don’t allow children to experience the natural consequences of their actions.
*We poison the soil when we create unnecessary competition between siblings.
*Promote teamwork where possible
*Capitalize on competitive situations (family game night, for example) to teach sportsmanship, self control, and brotherly love.
*Criticizing a child in front of their sibling, even privately, poisons the soil
*This breeds a fear of judgement as well as contempt
Pull the Weeds which spring up
*The Weed of Discord
*Tattling (recommend Brother Offended materials from Doorpost)
*Goal: Not merely changed actions, but changed hearts
*Confession and true repentance
*Discipline ideas
*The Weed of Self-focus
*Help each child to understand why the other may have acted as he did. Encourage your children to show vulnerability. Strip away layers of anger to reveal the hurt underneath.
*Formula for sharing feelings: When you (fill in the blank), I feel (emotion), and I need you to (what action would help to make it right).
* Our goal is restored relationships, not merely “peace”.
*Teaching teens to balance relationships inside the family and time spent with others outside the family
*The Weed of Negative Influences
*Friends
*Media : The website I mentioned that we use for very detailed, thorough movie reviews is Screenit.com .
*Addressing habits which prevent togetherness or turn hearts away from home
Planting Good Seeds
*The Seed of God’s Word (Romans 12:2 “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
*The Seed of Spending time together in family worship
*Pray with and for one another
*Study the Word together
*The strongest bond of unity we have with one another should be the bond we share in Christ, which transcends even the bonds of blood and family.
This weekend I will put out a new post called Devotions and Worldview, which tells more about how we are doing our Family Worship, our Morning Devotions, AND our Worldview time, as well as links to some of the resources we have found helpful. Several of the titles mentioned in this talk will be linked in that post, so please subscribe to CounterCultural Mom if you want to see that post when it comes out.
*The Seed of Family Culture
* Rites of Passage
*Sword ceremony (Q and A session referenced the book Raising a Modern Day Knight, which influenced some of what we do in this ceremony)
*Spending a quantity of quality time together
*Expect the best out of your kids: the less we require of them, the more selfish they become.
*The Seed of being willing to compromise
*Siblings, like married couples, need to develop mutual interests, as well as the ability to enjoy being together even when the activity isn’t one they would have chosen. Principle: Prioritize togetherness over maximum personal fulfillment.
Closing thoughts:
*It isn’t too late to start. A garden that has gotten out of control is more difficult to weed, but we shouldn’t give up on it.
*Pray for and with your children about their relationships with one another
*Bring the Scriptures to bear as much as possible
*Family council: we have been sinning and things need to change. Set aside time for prayer and repentance as a family, and let the kids know that things will be changing…outline the new relational expectations going forward as well as consequences/rewards.
*If children are young, focus on one character quality each week. Use “24 Family Ways” or “21 Rules of this House”, going over one new quality each week. All through the week, as that particular issue arises, remind children gently of the new rule. The next week, add a second new rule, and pay particular attention to enforce both rules from week 1 and week 2. Take baby steps, but keep moving forward.
*Be consistent. It is harder to retrain ourselves to do our job as parents than it is to retrain our children!
*Expect spiritual warfare. Satan will not want to concede this ground! Be consistent, and persevere, trusting the Lord to bring a harvest. The longer you have let this situation go unchecked, the longer it may take to see large changes, but don’t listen to the author of lies who will tell you that change is impossible. If the Lord led you to this talk, or to this post, trust that His purposes in that are for the good of your family. Start the process.
Next week I will put out a post of some of the books I have read, as a parent, which have helped me in the process of guiding my children and forming their character, attitudes, and relationships. Subscribe using the box in the sidebar if you want to get the next two posts (Devotions and Worldview materials AND Recommended Parenting Resources)!
Molly, thank you sooooo much for these words of wisdom! Where can I find the books you said you would post about? Or did you get around to it? 🙂